Problem Teenagers

There is no such thing as a problem teenager. This is mind-bending for a lot of grown-ups. I hear a lot of adults--parents, teachers, coaches, counselors, grandparents, you name 'em--talking about how this or that teen in their life is a problem or driving them crazy or whatever. But here's the thing:

People aren't problems. People are people.

Granted, some people--and this includes teens--can be particularly difficult to deal with. I know how an angry, defiant, disrespectful, or rebellious teen can wreak havoc on a family, disrupt a classroom, and destroy peace of mind. Been there, done that. And it's easy to see troublesome young people as a problem. But in those moments, we're not seeing clearly. Problems are something people HAVE, and something people CAUSE, not something people ARE.

The real problem often lies in our ATTITUDE towards people we find difficult. Sometimes, we're really the ones with problems-- patience problems and self-control problems and love deficiencies.

Growing up as a foster kid, I had the unique experience of having close to a dozen different parents raise me. And I'll tell you, a lot of them saw me as a problem and treated me accordingly--trying to fix me or neutralize me or avoid me or whatever. I can't say that any of them really made a lasting difference in my life.

Actually, seeing me as a problem did make a difference...it just wasn't a positive difference. It made me feel like a worthless screw-up, and a pain to be around, and probably played a role in me dealing with depression and suicidal thoughts. Not exactly the kind of mark you want to leave on a kid, right?

Here's the flip side:

Some adults saw me not as a problem, but as an opportunity. They didn't see my past; they saw my potential. They didn't see me for who I was; they saw me for who I could be.

This made a huge difference in my life--turned my life around 100 percent. Half of foster kids end up either dead, in jail, or homeless. The way a lot of people see it, if the adults in my life would've just thrown in the towel and said, "You know, that's it. I've had it. I can't deal with this kid," they would've been completely justified after what I'd put them through.

But if they had done that, if they'd just walked out on me, I'm not even sure I'd be alive right now.

I know, that sounds really melodramatic, but I'm dead serious. Never underestimate the positive influence you can have on a kid's life if you see them for who they are, believe in who they could be, and inspire them. Not to brag, because it's certainly nothing I did, but I'm living proof that good can come out of even the worst situations.

So, I want to challenge you to see teens as opportunities, no matter how much grief they're causing you. Sometimes, dealing with problematic teens is going to require you to be a better person than you ever thought you could be. If it helps, I think you can do it.

Go get 'em.

// josh